High school

High school didn’t go so well for me.
Well… more like the end of high school didn’t go so well for me.
We all have that childish, unneeded drama and people in our lives back in our high school days. And I’m one of those people who has been through some stupid bullshit.
(I’m sure we all have that one friend who attracts drama like me).

So a old friend of mine asked me, “what if people from high school tried talking to you and apologized for the past and asked me what really happened?”

I guess I would say: I was by myself. I was going through a bad break up with my boyfriend and everyone chose his side. I don’t need friends who decides to choose a side. I need friends who understood the situation and know that it was just a bad break up. That’s it.

At the time, I was hurt that most of the people I was close to, or so I thought, chose my ex boyfriend’s side and believed his fake sob story. But as a stupid teenager, of course I cared about being alone and not having friends.
But I grew up to realize that I just wanted them to know the truth. And even if they asked me, ” how do we know you’re telling the truth?”

They’re right. How do they know if I was telling the truth. Exactly. They dont. They didn’t need to.

They just had to understand that there’s always 3 sides to the story. His side story. My side of the story. And the middle truth.
But hearing about what he said about me and everyone was surprised and didn’t believe it… well… at least mine sounded realistic. 

What’s also sad was…. I felt mature. I didn’t fight about it with people. I didn’t cry or made them feel sorry for me. I just sat there quietly as everyone left to comfort my ex boyfriend who’s crying and eve stole my cellphone to get my attention. 
Again… This was a long story. 

You guys, *meaning the readers*
If we ever met, I would love to tell you my life story and you can tell me mine.
Haha.

I’m a good story teller and a good listener.
Trust me.
If you dont, I still got my preschool certificates.
The good story teller award and the good listener award. It’s all brown and old haha.

Suggestions

Most of you guys know when I go on here or when I type some sort of post, it’s usually because I’m depress, or mad or just confused; but today, I’m going to talk to you about something different.

So today i woke up at 9 am and did a full workout and man, it felt awesome. I literally forced myself to workout but it was worth it. From there I ate breakfast and then showered, got dressed then left to an all you can eat free ice cream event in Boston. It was the Jimmy Fund Scooper Bowl and I went with my boyfriend and with my friend and her boyfriend. We had a blast, ate 9 cups of ice cream and was full. Im not good with dairy so I went to the bathroom a lot today. After my boyfriend and I went for a walk around govt center then downtown and from there we went home.

We planned on going to the beach but it was so humid and we’re sore from working out and too full from all the ice cream. So at the end, he was sleeping then later playing games and I was putting in my ac, cleaning and make him drinks and food. Now I’m starting to get to the point of my post.

Yes, we had an argument.

Was there yelling ? Yes.

Did you cry ? Yes.

What’s the difference from this post to all the other posts ? I’m not mad at him.

So what? Let me get to the point now.

This all started from him being pissed at my internet and him losing the game. From that, he felt useless and like a failure from this game, therefore, an attitude was expected. He then laid on my bed and asked me what we should do tomorrow and that he won’t be able to see me until late at 5 pm. I was perfectly fine with that. I was folding clothes and cleaning and then I said, “if you’re cleaning and get tired, you can stay home if you want, I wouldn’t mind.”

This is where he started to make accusations about me. He said like, “oh you think i would take all day to clean or something?!” *with an attitude*
“Fine, I’ll just clean tonight so you can have me all day tomorrow”
“You always assume I’ll be lazy to clean and wouldn’t want to see you”
“I never asked you to suggest me anything!”

So…. when did I say all of that?
Of course I cried.
But it was because he was getting mad at me for no reason and it was from my suggestion.

I understand that he didn’t ask for my suggestion. But is it wrong that I did? I made no assumptions about how lazy he is, or if i wanted to see him or if I think he’ll take all day to clean.

All I wanted was to give him the option or resting if he needed it and it’s fine if he didn’t take my suggestion. I didn’t care. But it still didn’t give him the right to get mad at me.

So on the serious note: Never get mad about what you get. Just appreciate that you got any at all. 

Update: But not only that… the things you hear aren’t always what you think it is. At the end, what matters is the meaning of those things that you heard. 

The past

If you keep on holding onto the past, you will never be able to move on and all you will do is cause the people around you problems.
When I think about the phrase I just said, I feel a bit like a hypocrite.
I’m almost always dwelling in the past.

But here’s the difference. 
I don’t go on talking about the past like about the way people act and why they do such things. Or at least I try not to.
For me, my dwelling is more like regrets and me wishing I did things a lot differently.  And sometimes dwelling in the past means like actually talking it out to the people who I think are important to me, so I can get some comfort.

The way a lot of people think about or talk about the past is like making assumptions on someone for their past mistakes or past actions.

I’m trying my best to not do that. And I hope you guys realize that a person isn’t who they are from their actions. It doesn’t mean they would do the same action or act that same way all the time.

That really pisses me off about some people.

When they bring up that I do it, well…. I don’t call it out based on actions,  I call it out based on what they told me. So I’m not really making creative assumptions.

Good night.

Losing you

Right now, I’m confused and deeply sad.

I’m laying here almost every night to write my blog post on my phone. How stupid and honestly thinking about him.  Sure we’re angry. We fought. But, I don’t know. I wish I could say that I said some things I wish I didnt. But I don’t regret anything I said.
It’s hurtful, yes. But I really meant the those I said about leaving him. Right now, about how I feel toward him. I looked really deep inside, that yeah, I do love him.
But will he be happier without me? What I think… yes as well.
He wouldn’t have to spend money on taking me out, or taking me on trips or even presents. He can save so much gas in his car. He can work out more. He can hang out with his friends. He might actually go through a week without getting stressed or angry (except Fridays because those are his hard days. . Haha)
What will he benefit from being with me…? Love? And what does that even do.

I think he is better without me. But I know he said he doesn’t want to read my blog anymore. But if you are… you are good enough for me. It’s just I can’t stand it to see you this way, and even before we dated too. Maybe your life was a lot easier and you can’t really take up a life with me.

I feel like a life for him… With me in it is sad. He picks me up when we go out, and from school, pays for dinner or to take me out, go to my school events and he can’t say no because I’m his girlfriend. As of right now, even when he thinks I only complain and think for myself. I’m only thinking and wanting to leave him because every day and every night that I see him. I’ve never once felt like he was any more happier when he’s with me. But because he didn’t show me or express anything to me… I feel like, what difference does it make if I leave.
For one thing, he saves money, can worry about himself, friends and family, no obligations with a girl, not having to please a girl sexually or emotionally.

What I think about every day is am I even worth it for him to be with? What good am I if all I do is take everything from him? Am I not the type of girl that he wants? Is there someone else out there that can take care of themselves and not have him worry like I am? Should he be dating someone who is already working and is driving so he wouldn’t have to take care of a kid like me? Does he love me enough to actually want to be with someone like me? Am I even worthy to love?

Am I just a kid to him because I feel like I am and he calls me a child because of my behavior sometimes and that I’m still in school and have no job. That makes me angry. I want him to see me as a woman. A woman that he can love and hold hands and not get angry every single moment.

Am I going to lose him like I lost someone important 5 years ago just because we had bad timing?

I just don’t want to lose anyone anymore.
Should I just be all alone?
Is it better that way?

Just hold my hand and everything will be alright.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve cried.
To most people, that’s normal and it’s good for me not to be unhappy too much.
But what I meant was that I haven’t cried in a while in bad situations or even in bad fights in a while. 
To me, that’s strange.
I’m a natural crybaby. I cry a lot and about anything.
So let me tell you guys something…

I’ve been confused about where relationship stands.
I understand that in a relationship, there’s a lot to learn and it’s not easy. But what happens if I feel like the other person hasn’t been really working along with me. When I ask myself that, I feel selfish because I get spoiled by him. He takes me out, explore places with me, tries to make me feel safe as much as he can. He get me gifts, takes care of my needs, and he makes me laugh. But the only part that hasn’t been fulfilled is the emotional side.
I understand that he has a life with family issues and work issues like everyone else. And yes, it sounds selfish of me to ask for me. But I’m not really asking for more. I’m asking for a bit of an emotional connection.

Those three words, even if it’s hard for me to say this, but sometimes I feel like there’s no meaning when it’s said by him.
Gosh, now I’m tearing up because it hurts.

What he sees is picking me up, feeding me food, cuddling with me and just being there with me makes me happy. It does. And I just feel selfish talking about this post.
What I see, he’s annoyed to pick me up on his day offs, he does that hold my hand anymore due to stress or anything of some sort. He gets over it and takes me out to eat and we cuddle like we usually do and fool around. But no traces of the emotional. 

I’m afraid that I might be questioning my feelings for him. I’ve been questioning if I absolutely love him. But the thought of not having with me makes me cry and make me want to see him before it actually happens.

He’s the type of person to give in and just let me make the decisions which I absolutely hate. I wish we can just agree on things together. Because no matter where I am, as long as he is there with me, I can always be genuinely smiling.

All I can think of is a phrase he had told me a long time ago… He said:
If we are ever fighting And If you ever feel like we’re breaking and youre afraid, just hold my hand and everything will be alright.

Aging.

To me, so far, aging has been one of the worst things that ever happened to me.
Everyone wants to be treated as an adult and do whatever the hell you want.
But in the bigger picture, you’re on your own, you look like shit, you’re getting fat, you have a crappy job and pays you bull, and you really have to do everything on your own.
You can not rely on anyone to make you happy.

Well, I’m not at the stage of where I’m on my own yet.
I don’t even have a job to start off.
But, what I do know is that when I turned 20 this year, man…. hell broke loose.
I’m always feeling so scared and lonely.
It’s fucking scary.

Maybe it’s just me because 20 is still a young age and I’ve only been having bad days.
For the past couple of week, I’ve been always with fighting with him and we never agree on anything.
At this point of our relationship, I question on if he and I are just wasting our precious time that could have been used on someone else.
I’ve recently had a dilemma with my friends, I felt like if I disappear, nothing would change. I’m not really a big important part of the group. I still feel that way.

Halloween is approaching and I still managed on backing out on a plan with him and now he’s going to be upset for a long time. It’s like he believes I shouldn’t be down about it but what he doesn’t really think about is that I WANT to be the person to make him happy and if my decision makes him UNHAPPY.

How the fuck am I suppose to feel?

I would feel like a jackass, shit, and just not the best person for him. 

I wish everyone understood what was going on with my head by looking into my eyes.

But at times, in all conversation it’s not all unspoken languages.

Sometimes, you really have to say how you feel.

But the worst part is…
is that i suck at telling people my feelings.

Some Nights

Well, as some already know, I work every night for my father’s company and along with my sister of course.
I am only allowed to work either 11 pm or 4 am. I can only go in from 11 pm or 5 am. Horrible.
So, at times, my older sister and I would bump into other employees there and yes, they are a lot older.

It gets scary at nights for younger girls like us.
But I guess it can be scary for anyone.

For people who do not know why I work for my father’s company now, well that’s because my 3 younger siblings and my parents are out on vacation in a different country.
So it is all me and my older sister by ourselves.

No house parties. We work everyday.

Except, today was also a good day.
I had the talk, finally, with my man.
And I feel a lot at ease.

Thank god.

Good things do happen to good people.

Topic by Him: Sleep Derivation

I’ve never been so frustrated and had so much lack to sleep in the past week in a long time.
I work every night, like really late at 1130 or 12 and finish by 130 or 2.
Then I become sleep deprived.
Then it becomes so hard to sleep and until i stay up and not sleep until 4 or 5 because a lot of things in my mind.
At times like this, I would cry. I’m crying as I am typing.

This week has been really bad on me…

I got injured from work yesterday. Constant bleeding. I got hurt in the back on my foot. It was painful.
Constant fights.

I’m just tired and sad.
I just want a break.

 

 

Those stupid fights.

In every fight, everyone is at fault.
There’s no one side, there are two or even more.
Some may lie, or forget or might just be telling the whole truth.
At times, I’m honestly…. fucking done with fucking stupid fights.

Excuse my language.

Like honestly today was just more exactly of what a perfect day should be until someone just tries to pick a fight with me.
One old high school “acquaintance” of mine, just gets all up on my ass about how I never hang out with him.
I know it’s been 2 years but you can not, definitely CAN NOT get up at my face and tell me that I’m a bad friend because I have problems in my life I have to figure out. Im not singling you out. Honestly, I’m not.
And really? You’re not all that special. I do that to all my high school friends and other friends for that matter and at least they can understand that I have responsibilities in my life to take care of and when I can and I feel like I can reach you, then I will.
 
And I don’t need someone that apparently calls himself my friend, if he gets all pissy like a bitch if I don’t hang out with him. EVEN when I EXPLAINED TO him that I’m ever available to anyone.
I don’t need to take that bullshit from anyone. 

Another fight I had today, is just a fight full of assumptions and stupid misunderstandings.
And let me tell you something, [whoever that might be reading this useless post]

To avoid fights, PLEASE PLEASE just NEVER assume you know what someone means when they ask you something or don’t assume or think you know how someone’s feelings because you guys been through it before. 

It’s better to just go on with your conversation knowing that it’s harmless and there’s no hard feelings toward and maybe your day will be a lot better because you decided to think twice and not ask:

“What is that suppose to mean?”
“Are you saying I dont do (insert stupid ASSUMPTION of familiar fights)?”
“Why do you always ask me to do (Insert stupid misunderstanding here)?”

and etc. 

Another way to avoid a fight is stop putting the blame on yourself.
This can bring you to many outcomes:
1. You making someone feel like they should feel bad for you for admitting it
2. You making someone feel like saying “oh so now i’m the bad guy and it’s all your fault (sarcasm)“
3. You ending the fight but you know you’re going to feel like there’s not equality in your friendship or relationship.
4. You remain as the underdog and having someone always win and you will have less confidence in yourself (by the way, to you dumbasses (no offense) but, confidence is hella sexy.)

Good night. 

That Summer Love

This weekend has been a dream to me. (Again, sorry for not typing for awhile).
This week was full of friends ditching me and picking fights. But like i said, “things always get better”.

He and I went on a double date with his best friend and with his best friend’s girlfriend.
But the funny thing is, we’re not exactly dating. It’s funny, isn’t it?
We went to eat at a restaurant then to dessert (frozen yogurt) then after a little orgy thing happening in my room. (Just Kidding) We chilled in my room and then we went to have couples’ bowling.
We went for a walk at the park and beach and ended the day perfectly.

Went home along with him sleeping over. That was the best part.
Drank the night away and it was amazing. 

Although that day was amazing, the next day didn’t turn out so well. He and I disagree on a couple of things and things didn’t go as planned and not as happily as I thought it would.

At times like this, the thing that’s going on in my head is, “what happen?”

When things turn and change for the worse, no one is ever prepared for it and the only thing you can do is make it better.
I would usually be a drama queen and leave the day and ending it on bad terms. But I wanted to do something different. I wanted to make things better.
It wad hard but worth it. 
Things turned around.
We went to watch a movie, got his car fixed, chilled at my place and ate dinner together.

Although at the end of the day, I wish it could repeat itself so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him.
Hopefully one day, we wouldn’t have to say goodbye to each other.
At times like this, I miss him so early that it probably seems creepy and scary to you guys.
But it’s not like that.

Every week, I see him at least on the weekends and for some reason, it’s hard to hold a conversation with him because he gets tired and I want him to sleep and rest form work or he’s just too busy. 

I just wish one day we can both have a rest and really relax. 
But that’s not going to happen.

He got a new job. That’s his new beginning.
I’m in my 2nd year of college and possibly getting a job soon too.

That’s my new beginning.